To be honest, I have a slightly different take these days on the power of Circling. I’ve seen people get stuck in the belief that Circling is the be-all end-all of relational practises, and for good reason.
But I think it’s more than that. I believe that Circling provides the best place to learn and practise leadership skills that benefit people far beyond the context of Circle, because the skills necessary to be a great Circler are the same skills that contribute to being an embodied leader.
These are the same skills that have allowed me as a Certified Lactation Counsellor to support new mamas in a way that has them feel safe.
These are the same skills that allow me to work with plants in a wholesome way, such that people who experience my herbal offerings can feel the difference my medicine provides. Because when I harvest lilacs and sing to them, I am having a relationship with them that matters.
These skills impact every conversation— all of them,
with friends, family, kids, employers, colleagues, and strangers. These skills impact what it is to embody one’s own life and live in a way that elicits true fulfilment and joy.
Me in the back left, doubled-over laughing during a relational game at The Integral Center, 2014.
Something you might be surprised to hear me say…
I’ve since been able to decide that I’m worthy because I say so, and I have helped countless others decide similar things for themselves.
Circling boasts a profound effect of illuminating relational blindspots. Sometimes they’re big, like this one, but not always. But that doesn’t matter. Being deeply witnessed as ourselves is what allows us the choice of how we want to engage with the world, in both big and small ways.
After my Aletheia experience I stuck around The Integral Center. I did T3, our facilitator training, learned how to Circle, and practised for hundreds of hours. Moving up the ranks I eventually became the youngest senior faculty member ever hired, and then the Lead Integral Circling Certifier. To this day I am one of the world’s leading experts on the practise of Integral Circling, having started my Circling journey over 11 years ago.
How I have kept Integral Circling close by for all these years—
She paused me and asked, “Did you hear what you just said?”
I was confused. I hear what I say, don’t I?
“Yeah…”
Then she reflected back to me what she had heard.
“You just said that as long as there’s a man in the room who seems interested in you, you know that you’re okay.”
Then I heard it.
I didn’t hear it before.
Then I saw it,
the scaffolding through which I had constructed an idea of safety for myself, and that it was wholly dependent on outside forces. This was the moment I started to understand the ways in which my dad's absence shifted the way I was able to see myself.
And, once I saw it I was able to work with it. I was able to start to choose if that’s what I wanted my self-worth to be dependent on or not.
I had just turned 21 the first time I was exposed to Circling at The Integral Center in Boulder, Colorado. I was still a kid, and hadn’t yet experienced any sort of relational education before. Having heard about Aletheia, a weekend deep-dive into the practise of Integral Circling, I decided to check it out. Throughout the weekend I unconsciously did all I could to deflect real attention, the kind that would let people see beyond the cuteness and sweetness I projected out, and into the mechanisms I had crafted over the years to keep myself safe. I wasn’t doing it on purpose; I was oblivious to my own antics. I didn’t know how much armour I had put up as a result of what had happened with my dad.
Towards the end of the weekend I encountered a facilitator who didn’t let me deflect. I was rattling on about how the last few days had been and offhandedly shared, “It was a good enough weekend. I think people liked me, and as long as there’s a man in the room who seems interested in me, I know that I’m okay.”
My history with Integral Circling—
An Aletheia cohort in 2017 at The Integral Center. There I am in the middle wearing a Pixies t-shirt!
Integral Circling (Circling for short) is a present-moment based one-group conversation, with typically 3-7 people. This conversation is a place where I get to discover what it’s like to be with you as each moment unfolds, and you get to discover what it’s like to be with me as each moment unfolds.
It sounds simple, and it is.
But simple is not always easy.
And, especially in a culture that prides itself on complexity,
simple can be profound.
So what is it?
My dad decided to stop talking to me when I was twelve years old, after a dysfunctional and confusing divorce process with my mom, the impact of which still rings out in my life.
Integral Circling has allowed me to work with what happened in a healthy and embodied way.
Something I’m not supposed to say on a mentorship website…
Integral Circling demands dynamic leadership while simultaneously invoking play.
